Flight to ED Treatment

Day 1: Plane Flight to Florida (3/28/08)

--These are the exact words taken from my journal during my stay in treatment for anorexia.

“A new journey in my life begins today. I am leaving everything I know behind me and there are so many thoughts and feelings racing through my mind. I am slightly nervous, yet in a strange way, very excited. To be honest, I am quite unsure of what is to come of my future. I believe this is a time to start fresh and find out who I truly am. Somewhere in the past 4 years, I lost myself, and my purpose in life. There were moments of the real me, but they have all been forgotten.

I have been through so much at such a young age, and this will by far top them all. Recovery is going to be the hardest thing I will ever face. I must now go head-to-head with my mind and body! How can a beat this, when it is a part of me??? It knows every move I make before I make it and it knows exactly what I am thinking. This is all very true, but does it know my heart? Does it know the power of love? Love of oneself, love of God, love of family, and love of life….

I have the willingness and strength to never give up! I will fight this battle one day at a time and there will be VICTORY…Patrick you just have to BELIEVE!!!”

-- Entry End

Reflection: (Present)

After reading this today, more than 20 months later, I kind of smiled and just laughed. I sounded pretty positive for a guy who was just diagnosed with anorexia nervosa and given less than a year to live. I also can’t believe I didn’t even mention that just four days earlier, my fiancé’ chose to call off the wedding and engagement during my intervention. (a pretty painful and low moment in my life) I think I was a bit amped up on coffee and well trying to make my first journal entry a positive one. I remember this day like it was yesterday. I was so scared and the plane ride was a complete blur. I was given a book before I left—“Failing Forward,” by John Maxwell and read it in the terminal and throughout treatment. This book got me fired up and pretty much kept me from fleeing the airport. This is also probably why I was so optimistic in my first post. (read this book, as it changed my life and outlook on failure)

I was completely clueless to what was about to happen to me. I was really sick, my weight was extremely low, and I was completely depressed. I was also angry at the world and at God. I couldn’t understand why I had to struggle with an eating disorder. I remember screaming in my head—why me, why me God??? I was completely absorbed and warped by my eating disorder. That charming and hopeful personality I had was all but gone. Doubting myself, I really didn’t know if I wanted to live. The above post doesn’t show this, but that’s exactly what I was thinking. My next post (night one) will clearly show my eating disorder personality!!

That’s the thing with eating disorders-- one moment you can put on that charming front, and the next, you are completely out of control. That was my existence for four long and painful years. Part of my ED was about control, and looking back on it now-- I was so out of control…..Pure Insanity!!! I can look back now and laugh and smile, because I am in a much better place. I am happy with my life, and who I truly am. The fact is that this one short plane ride to Florida would totally change the course of not only the next 30-days, but the rest of my life.

Again, I am doing this series as part of my recovery as I have learned to never get comfortable in life and recovery. I want to learn from these posts, and I hope you will learn and grow with me on this journey. This is by far the mildest entry. So hang on because the next 30 days are going to be a wild and exciting adventure into the mind of my ED….and how I found myself and freedom!!!

Believe,
Patrick Bergstrom