Courage

“Courage”
I Chose To Live!

The popular female artist, Superchick has a song entitled, “Courage” where she gracefully writes about her battle to overcome an eating disorder. I was first introduced to this song in the summer of 2008 by my younger sister, shortly after returning from a thirty day stay at a residential eating disorder treatment center in Florida. This is not the type of music a former men’s college lacrosse player would be listening to, but in March of that year, my life changed forever.

This song completely described the life I was living and how I was feeling on the inside. This verse particularly hits home for me.

"You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow”

On March 19, 2008, I found my life spiraling out of control and I had no idea what was wrong with me. My body was completely rejecting food, my hair was falling out and my skin was puffy and pale. I had no energy left; my weight was at an all time low. I could barely get out of bed. I found myself in tears crying out; “I am dying…I need help but I don’t know what to do.” To this day, I don’t know why I cried out for help but it saved my life. I was once told by my Dad that, “Patrick, you are one moment away from significant and great change-- life is just like that.” I had no idea that moment in my life would be when I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa, and given less than twelve months to live.

I didn’t want to die, I was way too young, and I had so many goals and aspirations to accomplish. I found myself asking the question you may be pondering in your head at this very moment. How does a muscular and successful college twenty-two year old lacrosse player find himself in the life threatening grips of an eating disorder? I previously mentioned the lyrics to a song and I believe within these simple words, lies the answer to my four year struggle with an eating disorder.

-- “These secrets are walls that keep us alone.”

For the majority of my existence, I was known only by my academic and athletic achievements. I was raised in the foothills of Western Maryland where I was trained to be a fierce lacrosse player. Lacrosse was everything to me, and nothing else really mattered. I had a very typical childhood and was the middle child of two loving and caring parents. As far back as my memory serves me, I was on the mission to be “perfect” in all aspects of my life. I wanted to be the best, finishing second was not an option. I was the ultimate athlete, student and “perfectionist.” However, what I didn’t know at the time was that nothing can or will ever be perfect. To my closest friends and family, I was known as a very bright, athletic and happy high school student. However, what they didn’t know was that I was secretly struggling with body image issues and the extreme fear of failure. Nobody ever knew anything was wrong because I was putting on a huge front-- I was building walls that kept me shielded from the world and the truth. I used my athletic prowess and success on the lacrosse field to hide my inner pain and suffering. My life looked quite ideal on the outside and I seemingly coasted through my high school years. I set numerous records in lacrosse, football, and weightlifting during my four years of school, and I always had the “popular’ girlfriend. I used these superficial achievements and model relationships to create a false and unhealthy identity. Nothing could touch me, and I made myself believe that I was invincible. I even went so far as to get a tattoo of the Superman crest on my calf with intersecting lacrosse sticks.

This Superman type of mentality carried me through the first twenty-one years of my life, but eventually the walls I had falsely built, came tumbling down in the form of depression, substance abuse, and Anorexia Nervosa. The word “failure” was not a part of my life nor did I believe that I would ever fail in anything. With this unrealistic type of thinking, I was setting myself up like a ticking time bomb-- inevitably things would explode all around me!

College is usually described as the best years of one’s life but mine was an absolute disaster. In my four years of college; I went to two colleges, had five lacrosse coaches, lost one coach to a fatal surfing accident, suffered both back, head and knee injuries, sat the bench my senior year, and drank excessively to numb the pain. I had no real identity, and when faced with adversity, I crumbled under pressure and used eating as a way of trying to bring control back into my chaotic life.

Somehow I managed to persevere through college and graduated in 2005 with a degree in Business Administration with a concentration in marketing. Even though I was Academic All-Conference my junior and senior year, I was very unsatisfied with my college lacrosse career. I spent my final game with tears in my eyes watching my team lose from the bench. I loved lacrosse and it was my life but this single event left a sour taste in my mouth and I gave up on the sport. This simple act of putting my lacrosse stick down would prove to be one of the biggest mistakes of my life. For me, lacrosse was my outlet and my way of dealing with life’s many obstacles-- without it, I was left vulnerable and unprotected.

I thought graduating college would give me the spark I needed to turn things around. However, I wasn’t addressing the serious issues that had been eating at me for years. I was depressed, disappointed and had horrible self-esteem. Personal achievement is not the answer to solving problems, but merely a way of fooling yourself into thinking that everything is okay. Again, I was using walls to hide my true feelings of pain, shame, and self-hatred. For the next 3 ½ years I would wage a secret war on both my mind and body. (Anorexia) I starved myself, worked out more, and used alcohol to ease the pain. I was slowly destroying myself but nobody seemed to notice. My illness began to take a toll on my life at work and with my friends and family. I was bouncing from job to job, and couldn’t find any profession I enjoyed. I was isolating myself from my family. I was also in and out of a relationship with my college girlfriend.

In 2006, after losing my girlfriend for the second time and losing yet another job, I decided to move home and get help. I thought to myself-- I think I have an eating disorder! However, I was told by many, that “guys don’t have eating disorders” and I listened. My problem was classified as depression and substance abuse. I went into therapy and I felt much better. I was cured, right? Wrong! Again, this was just another attempt to avoid my real problem, an eating disorder.

Feeling rejuvenated from therapy, I raced back out on my own chasing “perfection.” I got my girlfriend back, found a great job, and seven months later I was engaged. I spent much of 2007 working and planning the wedding. On the outside I looked happier than ever, but I was suffering emotionally on the inside. I kept this front up until March of 2008 and my body just couldn’t take it anymore. I needed an intervention of sort and got just that. The hardest thing for me to do was ask for help but it was the best decision I ever made.

It was one month prior to my wedding day, and I was sitting in a therapy session with my family and fiancés’ family. I was again at a crucial moment in my life. I was dying from anorexia and I needed to go into treatment. At the conclusion of the family session that day, I chose to go into treatment and my fiancé’ chose to walk away. I was sick and she just couldn’t handle it. This was the hardest day of my life but something miraculous would happen the next morning. It was Easter Sunday and my brother and sister were home. That morning they got me to go outside and throw the lacrosse ball around for the first time in four years-- at this moment I knew there was hope!

Riding on pure adrenalin, I spent two straight weeks researching treatment. It was a difficult process because at this time, there weren’t many programs that took men. I finally found a center that met my needs and I was on a plane two days later. I spent thirty days separating myself from my eating disorder. I was taught to see my ED as a separate person and used various types of therapy to uncover my true identity. The shocking thing that I learned was that eating disorders aren’t about food—it’s about trauma, feelings, emotions, low self-esteem, and fears.

I used my obsession for perfection to mask my pain and shame but treatment addressed this hurt and allowed me to see the real me. I found myself playing with horses, doing yoga, singing, and using art therapy to destroy the many walls I had built. Treatment gave me the tools I needed to start a successful recovery and I haven’t looked back since. When I left treatment, “I Chose To Live!”

Treatment gave me an amazing foundation into my recovery and rebuilding my life. It has been more than a year since doctors told me I had less than twelve months to live. I am now a completely different and healthy person. My road to recovery hasn’t been perfect but nothing ever is. I have learned to embrace adversity and to learn from my mistakes. If you fall down and you probably will, get back up and keep pushing forward. Reach out and ask for help if you feel your slipping. Use every possible resource for support. I still see a therapist, and attend support groups.

This past year has been an unbelievable ride and blessing. I now love the life I live and love the real me. I laugh, and I smile! I was able to spend my twenty sixth birthday with my family and friends, and I just recently became an Uncle. When I held this miraculous gift of life in my arms-- I smiled and realized how incredibly beautiful and precious life is. Yes, I lost four years of my life to an eating disorder and yes I hit an extreme bottom, but I am alive today living free from the chains of anorexia. There is hope and recovery is possible!

I am now an Eating Disorder Speaker and Writer. I also run my own support group and I am a Resource Person for NEDA. I have them to thank for truly sparking my recovery and interest in reaching out to help others. NEDA was kind enough to give me a scholarship to their 2008 Conference and it was at that moment where I found my true calling. I realized that there are still so many suffering and that maybe I could to something to help others. I founded, I Chose To Live, LLC (ED outreach based upon using athletic principles in recovery), and now speak openly about my battle and recovery from an eating disorder. In the past year I have traveled all over the country speaking at conferences and on college campuses. I was once a driven superior athlete, now I am a passionate and dedicated Eating Disorder Activist. Where I once used my lacrosse stick to score goals and win games, I now use my writing and voice to help lead others into recovery.

Eating disorders don’t discriminate and neither does recovery-- there is HOPE and you’re never alone in this. If you are suffering from an ED, please reach out and get help! To read my full story and learn more about my outreach, please visit www.ichosetolive.com

--“Together we can make it through somehow”

I Chose To Live and Choose To Care!
Patrick Bergstrom
Mission- Eliminate Eating Disorders!
patrickb@ichosetolive.com

Stories of Hope- National Eating Disorder Assoication