First Night in Treatment at Canopy Cove

Eating Disorder Rears its Ugly Face:

--These are the exact words taken from my journal during my stay in treatment for anorexia.

3/28/2008

“I feel so alone, and I just want to run away….But where will I go, and to what?? The first day at treatment was a complete shock, and I feel like this isn’t the right place for me!! Should I stay or should I go?? Am I thinking with a clear mind or is this my eating disorder affecting my judgment? Can I even make a rational decision at this point?

I can’t seem to make sense of any of this…. If this was a lacrosse game, I would know exactly what to do. I used to carry teams on my back. I was fearless and at times, unstoppable!! Why can’t I just bust out a quick “Patty Dive” and stick the ball in the back of the net. Apparently one quick move to the goal is not going to beat this monstrous Eating Disorder. This is one opponent I can’t beat or fight on my own. I tried for 4-years to do this, to fight this demon within, and I just couldn’t do it. I need real help and support. This needs to be a total team effort where I must use every and any resource available. One day at a time Patty, one day at a time!!
The time for me to sneak across the crease and ping the corner will come, I just need to be patient. Mind over Matter!!"

Lessons Learned from 1st Day—

• I need to be 100% committed to recovery
• I can’t do this alone
• Don’t let your guard down
• Don’t fail backwards, only fail forward—meaning I need to learn from my mistakes and become an achiever
• This test will only make me stronger
• This is the hardest battle I will ever face-- never give up and stay the course
• Be open about what you’re feeling and let others in

BELIEVE!!!!

(End Entry)

Reflection (Present)-

Before reflecting upon what I wrote in my journal, I must first tell you about the day. Wow, this day was so crazy and intense. When I got to the grounds of Canopy Cove, I was a complete mess (All ED). I was angry and not very optimistic. The first thing I saw was a group of girls and I was like….”yeah I am not that thin, I am not that sick.” Wow, who was I fooling? I came into treatment at my lowest weight, I was pale, my hair was thinning out, and I couldn’t keep any food in my system. I was sick and needed to be there. That was just my ED feeding me a bunch of lies. At that point in my life, I couldn’t even see how bad and unhealthy I looked. Looking back at pictures now, I see it and it is such a blessing to be in recovery and healthy!!!

So when I got there, I wanted to run… In my exact words when I called my Dad, “get me the hell out of this place, it’s not for me. I am a strong athlete and they want me to talk about feelings and play with horses and do art.” This is all true, in treatment you do all kinds of creative stuff to get you to understand and move away from your ED behaviors and find new and healthy coping skills.

So I fought with the entire staff, refused to go grocery shopping and just ignored everyone the rest of the day. Yikes, talk about a messy first day. Eating Disorders are like that-- messy and unpredictable. Somehow they got me to stay the weekend. Thank God, because staying at Canopy Cove saved my life!!!

Reflecting on my journal, I can now see how far gone I was and disconnected from myself-- I was 100% Eating Disorder!! I was angry and just miserable. I look back on that day and laugh. Later on in treatment, we actually joked about that day. ED’s are not pretty, and they are very destructive. I was a lost soul, lost in my anorexia and pretty much had destroyed everything positive in my life. So this was a bad day for me, but it was a learning experience. It really opened my eyes to how much help I really needed. If you are struggling, know that you are not alone, and please reach out for help!!!

I also liked the fact that in my journal entry, I compared my ED fight to playing lacrosse. At that moment in treatment, I really knew nothing about Anorexia, so I started to see my battle as something I could relate too. (Lacrosse) Months after treatment, I wrote about my team approach to recovery and you can read that article on the I Chose To Live website at this link-- http://www.ichosetolive.com/recovery.aspx

Treatment is definitely a rollercoaster ride, but it’s worth it. I almost walked away on the first day, but I kept fighting, even when my ED was telling me to run. If I would have left that day, I would not be alive today!!! Your ED is not the answer to life or control, and it will quickly and painfully take everything from you. My hopes are that you will continue with me on this journey as I go back through my journal and reflect on my treatment experience. Learn from my experiences,and believe me when I say, "recovery is possible!!"

Until the next post, stay strong, never give up, and remember—there will never be another you and you’re a beautiful gift to this world.

I Chose To Live,

Patrick Bergstrom