Day 2 of ED Treatment at Canopy Cove

Day 2 of Treatment at Canopy Cove—
Focus of the Day: (in the morning before heading to the center)
3/30/2008

--Be open to new things and give the program a chance

--Don’t let the past dictate my future. Never forget where you have been, but do not dwell on it-- learn from it and become a stronger person.

--Remember, this is not your fault, but I do have the power to change this.

Questions running through my head:

--Can I relate to this program being a guy?

--Will she ever understand my disorder, and will she forgive me for losing myself to my ED? (referring to former fiancé’)

--How can I use this experience to better my future and to possibly help others?

--Can this program really help a broken male athlete?

Random Thoughts—

God only tests those he knows can handle it…right?? Everyone fails; however, this does not make you a failure. Failing is a part of life, and how you react to failure predicts your future.

Day 2:

Spoke with the founder and voiced my concerns about the program. It’s really hard being the only male, and struggling with an eating disorder. At times, I feel like I am the only guy in the world going through this. It seems like this program is more tailored towards females, and not for men. Again, I just don’t see them helping an athlete. All of us here suffer from some type of eating disorder but my issues just seem so completely different. Will I be able to fit in and get the support I need to get healthy?

Overall, it was a pretty good day. Started working on my article I spoke with the group about. This could be my calling, “A Fallen Athlete.” I could move from failing backwards and falling on my face to failing forward. Success is in the eye of the beholder. So I am here to at least Tuesday, (its Saturday) as I told them I would stay a few more days to see how I liked it. We will see what happens…only time will tell right?? My full focus the next few days has to be on my recovery, breaking down the walls, and finding out who I really am. Today needs to be the start of the rest of my new life.

Reflection: (Present)

Lots of good stuff showing up here and its only day 2 of my stay at Canopy Cove. Let me first do a quick recap of the day’s events. It’s so crazy how the mind works, as after reading this post from nearly two years ago, I can remember it like it was just yesterday. So this day was pretty eventful, and it was a beautiful sunny Saturday in Florida. My ED was in full force and the Founder had to make a special weekend visit just to talk me into staying. I was causing quite the stir up and I had only been there less than 48 hrs. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted recovery, but I was just having trouble letting my ED go, and I just thought this place was way too feminine for my taste. After a long talk and a battle with my ED mind, I made the decision to stay until the following Tuesday.

Being that it was a Saturday, we picked up lunch and went to some park close by. (Saturdays were low key and field trip and meal out days) We ate lunch, talked and sat down by the water. I had a great conversation with one of the Team Leaders about sports, which really got my mind off my very unfortunate situation. We also tossed a Frisbee around which also helped me to clear my mind. It was at this point, that I decided I would use my athletic prowess and background to share my story and fight my ED. Somehow I came up with the title “A Fallen Athlete” and well that stuck, as I later poured my heart out in a very lengthy memoir of my life with that title. Here is the link if you care to read it. I have been told it’s quite a good read but for me— it was all about putting my life onto paper so I could uncover who I really was.

http://www.ichosetolive.com/files/A_Fallen_Athlete.pdf

So now let’s move onto my comments from my journal and the questions that were frantically running through my mind.

Can I relate to this program being a guy? At this point, I really had no clue as it was so early on in the program. I still was very shutdown and broken. I should have been getting ready to get married but I was in treatment for anorexia. I can say now that I was very sick and confused. It was a blessing that I was there because I had no idea what I needed to save my life. Though this program was more for females, it had everything I needed, and you will learn more about that in later posts as my days in treatment go on.

Will she ever understand my disorder, and will she forgive me for losing myself to my ED? (Referring to former fiancé’) At this point, I was still completely devastated that when I chose to go into treatment, my fiancé’ chose to walk away from the engagement and wedding. I remember thinking that if I got healthy I could win her back and we would live a long and wonderful life together. Yeah, apparently that was some of my crazy ED thinking. I don’t know if she ever really understood my illness, but I do know that while I was suffering, she just sat back and did nothing. I have not spoken to this person whom I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with since I went into treatment. I do hope that she was able to forgive me, and I hope she is happy. I was not healthy when I dated this girl and I thought marriage would save me, wrong! The only way to fight an eating disorder is to reach out and get help! I now know that this girl was not right for me, and that it was a blessing that we never got married. Today, my social life along with dating isn’t the best, but I am more than okay with that because I am happy with myself and living free one day at a time.

How can I use this experience to better my future and to possibly help others? At this early stage, I really had no clue on how to better myself, let alone anyone else’s future. Though anyone that has struggled with an ED knows that we are people pleasers and we will try to fix the world before looking at ourselves. My first step to answering this question was by making the decision to fight, stay in treatment, and to write out my story. I wrote out my story for the sole purpose of finding out who “Patty” was, and it eventually worked. It has also been read and shared all over the U.S. which has been a true blessing. My point here is that we can do anything if we first take care of ourselves. I am nothing to the eating disorder field, to my family, to my friends, and to those still suffering, if I am not first taking care of ME!!! Changing the world starts with changing “YOU.”

Can this program really help a broken male athlete? If I would have answered that question back then, the answer surly would have been NO!!! However, that was my ED personality controlling every aspect of my life. Today, I know that this program was a blessing and it really gave me the foundation to a strong and successful recovery. This program was individualized and it will meet you right where you are, and that’s what it did for me. It took a broken athlete, and uplifted me. I learned to destroy the walls I had built, and to express and share my thoughts and feelings. Guys aren’t very good at this kind of stuff, but this is exactly what I needed. I am happy to say that Canopy Cove now as a Male Residential Program. www.canopycove.com

Well I am going to end this post because it is getting a bit wordy. Thanks so much for spending the day in treatment with me and I look forward to your comments, thoughts, and support. This was a big day for me, as it marked the beginning of my battle to destroy my Eating Disorder!!

Believe,
Patrick
www.ichosetolive.com