Day 1: Plane Flight to Florida (3/28/08)
--These are the exact words taken from my journal during my stay in treatment for anorexia.
“A new journey in my life begins today. I am leaving everything I know behind me and there are so many thoughts and feelings racing through my mind. I am slightly nervous, yet in a strange way, very excited. To be honest, I am quite unsure of what is to come of my future. I believe this is a time to start fresh and find out who I truly am. Somewhere in the past 4 years, I lost myself, and my purpose in life. There were moments of the real me, but they have all been forgotten.
I have been through so much at such a young age, and this will by far top them all. Recovery is going to be the hardest thing I will ever face. I must now go head-to-head with my mind and body! How can a beat this, when it is a part of me??? It knows every move I make before I make it and it knows exactly what I am thinking. This is all very true, but does it know my heart? Does it know the power of love? Love of oneself, love of God, love of family, and love of life….
I have the willingness and strength to never give up! I will fight this battle one day at a time and there will be VICTORY…Patrick you just have to BELIEVE!!!”
-- Entry End
Reflection: (Present)
After reading this today, more than 20 months later, I kind of smiled and just laughed. I sounded pretty positive for a guy who was just diagnosed with anorexia nervosa and given less than a year to live. I also can’t believe I didn’t even mention that just four days earlier, my fiancé’ chose to call off the wedding and engagement during my intervention. (a pretty painful and low moment in my life) I think I was a bit amped up on coffee and well trying to make my first journal entry a positive one. I remember this day like it was yesterday. I was so scared and the plane ride was a complete blur. I was given a book before I left—“Failing Forward,” by John Maxwell and read it in the terminal and throughout treatment. This book got me fired up and pretty much kept me from fleeing the airport. This is also probably why I was so optimistic in my first post. (read this book, as it changed my life and outlook on failure)
I was completely clueless to what was about to happen to me. I was really sick, my weight was extremely low, and I was completely depressed. I was also angry at the world and at God. I couldn’t understand why I had to struggle with an eating disorder. I remember screaming in my head—why me, why me God??? I was completely absorbed and warped by my eating disorder. That charming and hopeful personality I had was all but gone. Doubting myself, I really didn’t know if I wanted to live. The above post doesn’t show this, but that’s exactly what I was thinking. My next post (night one) will clearly show my eating disorder personality!!
That’s the thing with eating disorders-- one moment you can put on that charming front, and the next, you are completely out of control. That was my existence for four long and painful years. Part of my ED was about control, and looking back on it now-- I was so out of control…..Pure Insanity!!! I can look back now and laugh and smile, because I am in a much better place. I am happy with my life, and who I truly am. The fact is that this one short plane ride to Florida would totally change the course of not only the next 30-days, but the rest of my life.
Again, I am doing this series as part of my recovery as I have learned to never get comfortable in life and recovery. I want to learn from these posts, and I hope you will learn and grow with me on this journey. This is by far the mildest entry. So hang on because the next 30 days are going to be a wild and exciting adventure into the mind of my ED….and how I found myself and freedom!!!
Believe,
Patrick Bergstrom
Monday, October 19, 2009
Male Eating Disorder Treatment Journal
Canopy Cove Partial Residential Treatment Program Journal Series
Introduction—
My name is Patrick and I have been in strong recovery from anorexia nervosa for more than 20+ months. Back in March of 2008, I spent more than 30 days at a residential treatment program in Florida. I was the only guy and everything I experienced there was completely new to me. Going into treatment, I was broken and slowly dying. I went in a month before me scheduled wedding day. I was scared, lost, and not sure if I really wanted to live. I was a guy suffering with an (illness) that is perceived as something only upper class white women suffer from. (This is clearly not the case)
For days in treatment, I fought to understand who I was, and how I could overcome something that just seemed so hopeless. I am here today to tell you that there is hope, and that recovery is possible. I believe treatment gave me the foundation to live a life free from the bonds and chains of an eating disorder. While in treatment, I was encouraged to keep a journal, and that is exactly what I did.
Today, I am starting a new recovery blog series and I am going to share my personal journal, taking you inside the mind of a male athlete struggling with anorexia. Why would I share something so personal you might ask? For many reasons, I am doing this for myself. I want to see and feel the amazing growth I have taken on in the past 20 some months. I was taught in treatment to separate your eating disorder from the real you, and that’s exactly what I did. My “ED” had a name, a face, and a monstrous personality. Today, I am a much different person-- I am very compassionate, caring, loving, outgoing, and genuine. My journal will clearly illustrate my “ED” face and show glimpses of my true identity. After each daily journal post, I will then reflect on how I feel about that particular day now. (almost 2 years later)
My hopes are to show the world that recovery is possible, and to help those better understand the mindset of a male with an eating disorder. I hope this proves to be a very exciting, and educational series. I look forward to your comments as you embark on this 30 day journey with me.
Here is a brief overview of the treatment center I stayed at:
Canopy Cove Treatment Center
Canopy Cove is an eating disorder treatment center located in Tallahassee, Florida. Their program offers compassionate, comprehensive treatment for females and males of various ages, struggling with anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and binge eating disorders. This is where I received treatment for my eating disorder and gained the life skills to return to the life I now live today. Canopy Cove uses the “Recovery Model,” which recognizes that an eating disorder is not merely just about food, yet it focuses on deeper unresolved issues. This model represents more than behavioral change; it embraces personal growth and development of life management skills. Therefore, you can fully recover, not remaining in a continuous process of "recovering." To learn more about Canopy Cove and the various treatment plans they offer, you can visit the website at www.canopycove.com
God Bless,
Patrick Bergstrom
Founder, I Chose To Live
Introduction—
My name is Patrick and I have been in strong recovery from anorexia nervosa for more than 20+ months. Back in March of 2008, I spent more than 30 days at a residential treatment program in Florida. I was the only guy and everything I experienced there was completely new to me. Going into treatment, I was broken and slowly dying. I went in a month before me scheduled wedding day. I was scared, lost, and not sure if I really wanted to live. I was a guy suffering with an (illness) that is perceived as something only upper class white women suffer from. (This is clearly not the case)
For days in treatment, I fought to understand who I was, and how I could overcome something that just seemed so hopeless. I am here today to tell you that there is hope, and that recovery is possible. I believe treatment gave me the foundation to live a life free from the bonds and chains of an eating disorder. While in treatment, I was encouraged to keep a journal, and that is exactly what I did.
Today, I am starting a new recovery blog series and I am going to share my personal journal, taking you inside the mind of a male athlete struggling with anorexia. Why would I share something so personal you might ask? For many reasons, I am doing this for myself. I want to see and feel the amazing growth I have taken on in the past 20 some months. I was taught in treatment to separate your eating disorder from the real you, and that’s exactly what I did. My “ED” had a name, a face, and a monstrous personality. Today, I am a much different person-- I am very compassionate, caring, loving, outgoing, and genuine. My journal will clearly illustrate my “ED” face and show glimpses of my true identity. After each daily journal post, I will then reflect on how I feel about that particular day now. (almost 2 years later)
My hopes are to show the world that recovery is possible, and to help those better understand the mindset of a male with an eating disorder. I hope this proves to be a very exciting, and educational series. I look forward to your comments as you embark on this 30 day journey with me.
Here is a brief overview of the treatment center I stayed at:
Canopy Cove Treatment Center
Canopy Cove is an eating disorder treatment center located in Tallahassee, Florida. Their program offers compassionate, comprehensive treatment for females and males of various ages, struggling with anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and binge eating disorders. This is where I received treatment for my eating disorder and gained the life skills to return to the life I now live today. Canopy Cove uses the “Recovery Model,” which recognizes that an eating disorder is not merely just about food, yet it focuses on deeper unresolved issues. This model represents more than behavioral change; it embraces personal growth and development of life management skills. Therefore, you can fully recover, not remaining in a continuous process of "recovering." To learn more about Canopy Cove and the various treatment plans they offer, you can visit the website at www.canopycove.com
God Bless,
Patrick Bergstrom
Founder, I Chose To Live
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Courage
“Courage”
I Chose To Live!
I Chose To Live!
The popular female artist, Superchick has a song entitled, “Courage” where she gracefully writes about her battle to overcome an eating disorder. I was first introduced to this song in the summer of 2008 by my younger sister, shortly after returning from a thirty day stay at a residential eating disorder treatment center in Florida. This is not the type of music a former men’s college lacrosse player would be listening to, but in March of that year, my life changed forever.
This song completely described the life I was living and how I was feeling on the inside. This verse particularly hits home for me.
"You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow”
On March 19, 2008, I found my life spiraling out of control and I had no idea what was wrong with me. My body was completely rejecting food, my hair was falling out and my skin was puffy and pale. I had no energy left; my weight was at an all time low. I could barely get out of bed. I found myself in tears crying out; “I am dying…I need help but I don’t know what to do.” To this day, I don’t know why I cried out for help but it saved my life. I was once told by my Dad that, “Patrick, you are one moment away from significant and great change-- life is just like that.” I had no idea that moment in my life would be when I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa, and given less than twelve months to live.
I didn’t want to die, I was way too young, and I had so many goals and aspirations to accomplish. I found myself asking the question you may be pondering in your head at this very moment. How does a muscular and successful college twenty-two year old lacrosse player find himself in the life threatening grips of an eating disorder? I previously mentioned the lyrics to a song and I believe within these simple words, lies the answer to my four year struggle with an eating disorder.
-- “These secrets are walls that keep us alone.”
For the majority of my existence, I was known only by my academic and athletic achievements. I was raised in the foothills of Western Maryland where I was trained to be a fierce lacrosse player. Lacrosse was everything to me, and nothing else really mattered. I had a very typical childhood and was the middle child of two loving and caring parents. As far back as my memory serves me, I was on the mission to be “perfect” in all aspects of my life. I wanted to be the best, finishing second was not an option. I was the ultimate athlete, student and “perfectionist.” However, what I didn’t know at the time was that nothing can or will ever be perfect. To my closest friends and family, I was known as a very bright, athletic and happy high school student. However, what they didn’t know was that I was secretly struggling with body image issues and the extreme fear of failure. Nobody ever knew anything was wrong because I was putting on a huge front-- I was building walls that kept me shielded from the world and the truth. I used my athletic prowess and success on the lacrosse field to hide my inner pain and suffering. My life looked quite ideal on the outside and I seemingly coasted through my high school years. I set numerous records in lacrosse, football, and weightlifting during my four years of school, and I always had the “popular’ girlfriend. I used these superficial achievements and model relationships to create a false and unhealthy identity. Nothing could touch me, and I made myself believe that I was invincible. I even went so far as to get a tattoo of the Superman crest on my calf with intersecting lacrosse sticks.
This Superman type of mentality carried me through the first twenty-one years of my life, but eventually the walls I had falsely built, came tumbling down in the form of depression, substance abuse, and Anorexia Nervosa. The word “failure” was not a part of my life nor did I believe that I would ever fail in anything. With this unrealistic type of thinking, I was setting myself up like a ticking time bomb-- inevitably things would explode all around me!
College is usually described as the best years of one’s life but mine was an absolute disaster. In my four years of college; I went to two colleges, had five lacrosse coaches, lost one coach to a fatal surfing accident, suffered both back, head and knee injuries, sat the bench my senior year, and drank excessively to numb the pain. I had no real identity, and when faced with adversity, I crumbled under pressure and used eating as a way of trying to bring control back into my chaotic life.
Somehow I managed to persevere through college and graduated in 2005 with a degree in Business Administration with a concentration in marketing. Even though I was Academic All-Conference my junior and senior year, I was very unsatisfied with my college lacrosse career. I spent my final game with tears in my eyes watching my team lose from the bench. I loved lacrosse and it was my life but this single event left a sour taste in my mouth and I gave up on the sport. This simple act of putting my lacrosse stick down would prove to be one of the biggest mistakes of my life. For me, lacrosse was my outlet and my way of dealing with life’s many obstacles-- without it, I was left vulnerable and unprotected.
I thought graduating college would give me the spark I needed to turn things around. However, I wasn’t addressing the serious issues that had been eating at me for years. I was depressed, disappointed and had horrible self-esteem. Personal achievement is not the answer to solving problems, but merely a way of fooling yourself into thinking that everything is okay. Again, I was using walls to hide my true feelings of pain, shame, and self-hatred. For the next 3 ½ years I would wage a secret war on both my mind and body. (Anorexia) I starved myself, worked out more, and used alcohol to ease the pain. I was slowly destroying myself but nobody seemed to notice. My illness began to take a toll on my life at work and with my friends and family. I was bouncing from job to job, and couldn’t find any profession I enjoyed. I was isolating myself from my family. I was also in and out of a relationship with my college girlfriend.
In 2006, after losing my girlfriend for the second time and losing yet another job, I decided to move home and get help. I thought to myself-- I think I have an eating disorder! However, I was told by many, that “guys don’t have eating disorders” and I listened. My problem was classified as depression and substance abuse. I went into therapy and I felt much better. I was cured, right? Wrong! Again, this was just another attempt to avoid my real problem, an eating disorder.
Feeling rejuvenated from therapy, I raced back out on my own chasing “perfection.” I got my girlfriend back, found a great job, and seven months later I was engaged. I spent much of 2007 working and planning the wedding. On the outside I looked happier than ever, but I was suffering emotionally on the inside. I kept this front up until March of 2008 and my body just couldn’t take it anymore. I needed an intervention of sort and got just that. The hardest thing for me to do was ask for help but it was the best decision I ever made.
It was one month prior to my wedding day, and I was sitting in a therapy session with my family and fiancés’ family. I was again at a crucial moment in my life. I was dying from anorexia and I needed to go into treatment. At the conclusion of the family session that day, I chose to go into treatment and my fiancé’ chose to walk away. I was sick and she just couldn’t handle it. This was the hardest day of my life but something miraculous would happen the next morning. It was Easter Sunday and my brother and sister were home. That morning they got me to go outside and throw the lacrosse ball around for the first time in four years-- at this moment I knew there was hope!
Riding on pure adrenalin, I spent two straight weeks researching treatment. It was a difficult process because at this time, there weren’t many programs that took men. I finally found a center that met my needs and I was on a plane two days later. I spent thirty days separating myself from my eating disorder. I was taught to see my ED as a separate person and used various types of therapy to uncover my true identity. The shocking thing that I learned was that eating disorders aren’t about food—it’s about trauma, feelings, emotions, low self-esteem, and fears.
I used my obsession for perfection to mask my pain and shame but treatment addressed this hurt and allowed me to see the real me. I found myself playing with horses, doing yoga, singing, and using art therapy to destroy the many walls I had built. Treatment gave me the tools I needed to start a successful recovery and I haven’t looked back since. When I left treatment, “I Chose To Live!”
Treatment gave me an amazing foundation into my recovery and rebuilding my life. It has been more than a year since doctors told me I had less than twelve months to live. I am now a completely different and healthy person. My road to recovery hasn’t been perfect but nothing ever is. I have learned to embrace adversity and to learn from my mistakes. If you fall down and you probably will, get back up and keep pushing forward. Reach out and ask for help if you feel your slipping. Use every possible resource for support. I still see a therapist, and attend support groups.
This past year has been an unbelievable ride and blessing. I now love the life I live and love the real me. I laugh, and I smile! I was able to spend my twenty sixth birthday with my family and friends, and I just recently became an Uncle. When I held this miraculous gift of life in my arms-- I smiled and realized how incredibly beautiful and precious life is. Yes, I lost four years of my life to an eating disorder and yes I hit an extreme bottom, but I am alive today living free from the chains of anorexia. There is hope and recovery is possible!
I am now an Eating Disorder Speaker and Writer. I also run my own support group and I am a Resource Person for NEDA. I have them to thank for truly sparking my recovery and interest in reaching out to help others. NEDA was kind enough to give me a scholarship to their 2008 Conference and it was at that moment where I found my true calling. I realized that there are still so many suffering and that maybe I could to something to help others. I founded, I Chose To Live, LLC (ED outreach based upon using athletic principles in recovery), and now speak openly about my battle and recovery from an eating disorder. In the past year I have traveled all over the country speaking at conferences and on college campuses. I was once a driven superior athlete, now I am a passionate and dedicated Eating Disorder Activist. Where I once used my lacrosse stick to score goals and win games, I now use my writing and voice to help lead others into recovery.
Eating disorders don’t discriminate and neither does recovery-- there is HOPE and you’re never alone in this. If you are suffering from an ED, please reach out and get help! To read my full story and learn more about my outreach, please visit www.ichosetolive.com
--“Together we can make it through somehow”
I Chose To Live and Choose To Care!
Patrick Bergstrom
Mission- Eliminate Eating Disorders!
patrickb@ichosetolive.com
Stories of Hope- National Eating Disorder Assoication
Own Your Recovery
Own your recovery-- make it unique to your surroundings and tailor it to your talents...this is your life, what others say and do doesn't matter....What works for some, may not work for others....Find your swagger and go with it......Recovery is Possible!!
What is your swagger in recovery? (swagger meaning what actions are you taking to live free)
For me (Patty) my recovery swagger is as follows....My faith in God is by far the foundation of my life and recovery. I am alive today because of Gods amazing grace and love. I use athletics (lacrosse and running) to fuel my recovery. Stepping outside for a nice run is so freeing and spiritual for me. I never run for a time, but as a way to connect with both my mind and body. Running for me is a time to clear my head, enjoy nature and to build a closer relationship with myself and God. My writing has become a way for me to express myself and my voice has become a way to share my life experiences (good and bad) with the world...
My friends and family keep me grounded and my recovery friends (all of you) keep me inspired, driven and focused.... I know longer care what people think of me, nor do I need a girlfriend or high paying job to define who I am...My name is Patty, I love who I am and love where I have been and where I am going....I am forever thankful for my recovery and for all of you....Life is an intense journey, sometimes it can even be a war, that is why we have to battle and fight for every second of precious existence. This is your life, and it can and will be whatever you make it-- live with swagger and live in the moment. I am living free today, because I choose to be more than an eating disorder and choose to be an unstoppable warrior.
Thanks,
Patty
ICTL
What is your swagger in recovery? (swagger meaning what actions are you taking to live free)
For me (Patty) my recovery swagger is as follows....My faith in God is by far the foundation of my life and recovery. I am alive today because of Gods amazing grace and love. I use athletics (lacrosse and running) to fuel my recovery. Stepping outside for a nice run is so freeing and spiritual for me. I never run for a time, but as a way to connect with both my mind and body. Running for me is a time to clear my head, enjoy nature and to build a closer relationship with myself and God. My writing has become a way for me to express myself and my voice has become a way to share my life experiences (good and bad) with the world...
My friends and family keep me grounded and my recovery friends (all of you) keep me inspired, driven and focused.... I know longer care what people think of me, nor do I need a girlfriend or high paying job to define who I am...My name is Patty, I love who I am and love where I have been and where I am going....I am forever thankful for my recovery and for all of you....Life is an intense journey, sometimes it can even be a war, that is why we have to battle and fight for every second of precious existence. This is your life, and it can and will be whatever you make it-- live with swagger and live in the moment. I am living free today, because I choose to be more than an eating disorder and choose to be an unstoppable warrior.
Thanks,
Patty
ICTL
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Atletes, Coaches, Eating Disorders and Recovery
This is in response to this article--
http://www.chicagotribune.com/sports/chi-23-tera-moody-marathon-aug23,0,3248337.story?page=1
T. Moody overcomes her Eating Disorder and competes in marathon.
I read this article and being a former college lacrosse player-- I felt compelled to respond! I don't know T. Moody but I was glad I read this. I have not met her but it sounds like she is turning a negative experience in college sports into something positive, much like I am trying to do.
I understand that over exercise is a huge part of eating disorders, but I also think it can be a great resource and strength in recovery. (done in a healthy manner) After treatment, I took a year off from playing lacrosse and running. I now play club lacrosse and I am training for a marathon to raise funding for eating disorder treatment. I have been cleared by doctors, and my therapist. I am in the best shape of my life, both mentally and physically. I run for fun, and never for a time. In college, I ran because I had to, now I do it as a healthy and fun experience!!! I am an athlete and I always will be..... You just don't and can't turn that off-- any athlete can understand and relate to this.
I know in my heart why I run and it feels great! I pray and believe that T. Moody is doing just that same thing. I think her story is inspirational and I am so proud of her strength and passion to stay with the sport she loves. When my college lacrosse career ended-- I gave up on the sport and I struggled for over 4 years with anorexia and substance abuse. I have since found serenity and peace in running and returning to the sport I love. While in treatment I wrote my story-- "A Fallen Athlete"( http://www.ichosetolive.com/files/A_Fallen_Athlete.pdf ) which goes into detail on my struggles with eating disorders, drinking and my recovery. I believe every recovery is different and it can be a very moving thing for an athlete to get back out there and do what they do....
I also understand that one must be careful with exercise while in recovery. Only you know if you are doing it for the right reasons???? We must all stay alert about eating disorders-- that means parents, family, friends and coaches. If you are in recovery, please seek professional guidance when considering exercise.
I wrote this on the topics of athletes, and coaches--
For the Love of the Game
This is where I get real about competitive sports and speak directly to all athletes out there. It does not matter if you’re on the professional, collegiate, high school, or junior high level. It does not matter if you are male or female, or what sport you play. We all share in a unique bond. That bond we share is the love of the game. I hope my story has been eye-opening for all athletes.
If you love the sport you play, don’t turn your back on it. Learn from my mistakes and realize that failure in sports is an inevitable part of the game. Game, that word is defined as something you play for entertainment or fun. Sports are a game, and these games are a big part of all athletes’ lives. However, games are not life. I loved the game of lacrosse, but I took it too far. I put immense pressure on myself to become the best. To me, it became more than a game; it was my life and, eventually, my identity. I was nothing without the game of lacrosse. This is what I thought at the time. I was so caught up in the competitiveness of the sport that I forgot why I was playing it in the first place.
I started playing lacrosse because I loved it, and because it was fun. Lacrosse gave me an avenue to be free from the world around me. The love of the game, the fun and excitement sports provide, is what athletics are all about. I lost sight of this love when (I thought) the game failed me and I ran away from it. Sports are a game and they should never become your sole identity. A sport should never take the individuality of an athlete. However, an athlete should be identified with the sport they play and the excitement they provide for the sport.
Brett Farve is not football, but we identify that name with the amazing accomplishments and miracle plays he gave the sport of football. I know everybody remembers that miraculous Monday night game when Farve, after the recent passing of his Father, led his team to an inspirational victory with four amazing touchdown passes that seemed to fall from the heavens above. Football did not give that to Brett Farve, he gave that memory to football. He gave that day to all of us. I lost sight of all the great things I provided for the sport of lacrosse in my career and I let lacrosse identify me.
I may have not become a well-known professional lacrosse player but I had some amazing moments in my career, just like Farve did. Yet, I was blinded from these memorable achievements because I believed lacrosse defined me. With that mind-set, when I failed in lacrosse, to me it meant I had failed in life. Not knowing how to handle failure, I turned my back on the sport for three years; my life rapidly spiraled downward until I hit rock bottom. (Anorexia) I never truly lost the love for the game, it was just buried deep inside me, with all the pain, shame, and anger I had from my last game. I wanted to be the best, but you can’t always be the best at everything you do. Sometimes it is okay to just be good at something.
All you can do is be the best you can be, nothing else matters. I demanded perfection of myself on the lacrosse field but nothing reaches perfection. I set myself up for failure, and when I failed, I couldn’t handle it. I lost control BUT, thankfully, I ended up in recovery. I couldn’t have done it alone. My story may seem drastic but if it can happen to me, then it can happen to you. Just remember, I grew up as a kid who was a sports junky just like you. That kid who loved lacrosse lost sight of the true meaning of love of the game. However, when I picked that stick back up on Easter Sunday, I was enlightened and reconnected with the sport. (Anorexia been in full remission since that day) I now have that love of the game back and a future to look forward to. Please learn from my experiences and love the game you play. Remember, sports are a game, play hard but have fun.
Athletes’ Greatest Teachers
Coaches are athletes’ greatest teachers. They have the incredible opportunity of taking young kids with amazing dreams and talents and transforming them into remarkable athletes and people. However, notice that I used the word “opportunity.” Every coach has the chance to be an athlete’s greatest mentor, but so many overlook this because winning becomes everything. What is the number one priority of any coach out there? If you asked that question to any coach, I would bet that four out of five coaches would come up with the same answer. That answer, of course, would be to win games.
The ultimate goal of any coach is to take their team to the championship game and win. How are coaches’ careers defined or measured? This answer, just like the above, seems to have a simple response. Coaches are judged and compensated for the amount of success they achieve. The more titles a coach brings to a school, the more his legacy grows. No one talks about or goes into the various sports’ halls of fame for setting the record for most overall losses. Everything in sports focuses on winning. No one wants to hire a losing coach, nor does any player want to be apart of a losing program. Our society seems to have both embraced and accepted this “all or nothing” mentality. The real truth is that in sports, there is so much more than winning.
The hard fact is that, in any sport, at any level, there will only be one championship team at the end of the season. No sport has two or three champions; in the end, only one team wins. What I have learned throughout my athletic career is that there is more than one way to achieve victory in competitive sports. I have been on both sides of teams—winning and losing. Honestly, it feels great to win, and I have been on championship teams. Still, I believe I learned more from losing than I ever did from winning. I believe my story is a true example of that. In my lacrosse career, I lost my final game in both high school and college, as I am sure many other athletes have. It is almost impossible to finish a career or season with a win because, inevitably, only one team wins. Yet, just because you ended the season with a loss doesn’t mean you didn’t accomplish victory. I lost my last high school lacrosse game, but I went on to play in college. This was a huge victory for me.
So many victories occur in sports everyday, but they seem to get overlooked because all we focus on is being that championship team. Do not get me wrong, I love to win and there is nothing wrong with winning or working hard to become a champion. What I am saying is that sometimes it is okay to lose; you can still be victorious. Why does any one athlete play a sport? Yes, more than anything they want to win, but the real reason they play is solely for the love of the game.
Look at Tiger Woods; he is by far the dominant athlete of this era. He defines the true drive to win, but you can tell by his passion on the course, that he truly loves the game. Also, I almost guarantee that if you asked him whether he learned more from winning the Tiger Slam or from the tournament that broke his consecutive win streak, he probably would have said the tournament that ended his streak. Yes, even great athletes like Tiger Woods lose at some point in their careers. You truly learn more from losing than you do winning. By knowing how to lose, you learn to win.
I have had many great coaches throughout my career, and I can vividly remember the life lessons they instilled in me. Many of the best coaches I had prepared me to be successful in my future. I credit Coach Reynolds for giving me the fight and heart to turn my life around. He was only my coach for a short time before his life was tragically taken but his legacy lives on in me. His “get it done” mentality saved my life and has allowed me to be here today to tell my story. No days go by for me that I don’t remember and learn from what he imprinted in my heart. He was not only a great coach, he was my greatest teacher. Coach to win, but teach your players the life lessons that will prepare them to succeed when that final roar of the crowd goes silent. The level at which you coach does not matter. You have the opportunity to change a player’s life for the better. Teach your players to win, allow them to fail, and lead them to victory off the field by the way you coach on the field. Just as Coach Reynolds was and is my mentor, you to can be some player’s greatest life teacher.
Patrick Bergstrom
http://www.chicagotribune.com/sports/chi-23-tera-moody-marathon-aug23,0,3248337.story?page=1
T. Moody overcomes her Eating Disorder and competes in marathon.
I read this article and being a former college lacrosse player-- I felt compelled to respond! I don't know T. Moody but I was glad I read this. I have not met her but it sounds like she is turning a negative experience in college sports into something positive, much like I am trying to do.
I understand that over exercise is a huge part of eating disorders, but I also think it can be a great resource and strength in recovery. (done in a healthy manner) After treatment, I took a year off from playing lacrosse and running. I now play club lacrosse and I am training for a marathon to raise funding for eating disorder treatment. I have been cleared by doctors, and my therapist. I am in the best shape of my life, both mentally and physically. I run for fun, and never for a time. In college, I ran because I had to, now I do it as a healthy and fun experience!!! I am an athlete and I always will be..... You just don't and can't turn that off-- any athlete can understand and relate to this.
I know in my heart why I run and it feels great! I pray and believe that T. Moody is doing just that same thing. I think her story is inspirational and I am so proud of her strength and passion to stay with the sport she loves. When my college lacrosse career ended-- I gave up on the sport and I struggled for over 4 years with anorexia and substance abuse. I have since found serenity and peace in running and returning to the sport I love. While in treatment I wrote my story-- "A Fallen Athlete"( http://www.ichosetolive.com/files/A_Fallen_Athlete.pdf ) which goes into detail on my struggles with eating disorders, drinking and my recovery. I believe every recovery is different and it can be a very moving thing for an athlete to get back out there and do what they do....
I also understand that one must be careful with exercise while in recovery. Only you know if you are doing it for the right reasons???? We must all stay alert about eating disorders-- that means parents, family, friends and coaches. If you are in recovery, please seek professional guidance when considering exercise.
I wrote this on the topics of athletes, and coaches--
For the Love of the Game
This is where I get real about competitive sports and speak directly to all athletes out there. It does not matter if you’re on the professional, collegiate, high school, or junior high level. It does not matter if you are male or female, or what sport you play. We all share in a unique bond. That bond we share is the love of the game. I hope my story has been eye-opening for all athletes.
If you love the sport you play, don’t turn your back on it. Learn from my mistakes and realize that failure in sports is an inevitable part of the game. Game, that word is defined as something you play for entertainment or fun. Sports are a game, and these games are a big part of all athletes’ lives. However, games are not life. I loved the game of lacrosse, but I took it too far. I put immense pressure on myself to become the best. To me, it became more than a game; it was my life and, eventually, my identity. I was nothing without the game of lacrosse. This is what I thought at the time. I was so caught up in the competitiveness of the sport that I forgot why I was playing it in the first place.
I started playing lacrosse because I loved it, and because it was fun. Lacrosse gave me an avenue to be free from the world around me. The love of the game, the fun and excitement sports provide, is what athletics are all about. I lost sight of this love when (I thought) the game failed me and I ran away from it. Sports are a game and they should never become your sole identity. A sport should never take the individuality of an athlete. However, an athlete should be identified with the sport they play and the excitement they provide for the sport.
Brett Farve is not football, but we identify that name with the amazing accomplishments and miracle plays he gave the sport of football. I know everybody remembers that miraculous Monday night game when Farve, after the recent passing of his Father, led his team to an inspirational victory with four amazing touchdown passes that seemed to fall from the heavens above. Football did not give that to Brett Farve, he gave that memory to football. He gave that day to all of us. I lost sight of all the great things I provided for the sport of lacrosse in my career and I let lacrosse identify me.
I may have not become a well-known professional lacrosse player but I had some amazing moments in my career, just like Farve did. Yet, I was blinded from these memorable achievements because I believed lacrosse defined me. With that mind-set, when I failed in lacrosse, to me it meant I had failed in life. Not knowing how to handle failure, I turned my back on the sport for three years; my life rapidly spiraled downward until I hit rock bottom. (Anorexia) I never truly lost the love for the game, it was just buried deep inside me, with all the pain, shame, and anger I had from my last game. I wanted to be the best, but you can’t always be the best at everything you do. Sometimes it is okay to just be good at something.
All you can do is be the best you can be, nothing else matters. I demanded perfection of myself on the lacrosse field but nothing reaches perfection. I set myself up for failure, and when I failed, I couldn’t handle it. I lost control BUT, thankfully, I ended up in recovery. I couldn’t have done it alone. My story may seem drastic but if it can happen to me, then it can happen to you. Just remember, I grew up as a kid who was a sports junky just like you. That kid who loved lacrosse lost sight of the true meaning of love of the game. However, when I picked that stick back up on Easter Sunday, I was enlightened and reconnected with the sport. (Anorexia been in full remission since that day) I now have that love of the game back and a future to look forward to. Please learn from my experiences and love the game you play. Remember, sports are a game, play hard but have fun.
Athletes’ Greatest Teachers
Coaches are athletes’ greatest teachers. They have the incredible opportunity of taking young kids with amazing dreams and talents and transforming them into remarkable athletes and people. However, notice that I used the word “opportunity.” Every coach has the chance to be an athlete’s greatest mentor, but so many overlook this because winning becomes everything. What is the number one priority of any coach out there? If you asked that question to any coach, I would bet that four out of five coaches would come up with the same answer. That answer, of course, would be to win games.
The ultimate goal of any coach is to take their team to the championship game and win. How are coaches’ careers defined or measured? This answer, just like the above, seems to have a simple response. Coaches are judged and compensated for the amount of success they achieve. The more titles a coach brings to a school, the more his legacy grows. No one talks about or goes into the various sports’ halls of fame for setting the record for most overall losses. Everything in sports focuses on winning. No one wants to hire a losing coach, nor does any player want to be apart of a losing program. Our society seems to have both embraced and accepted this “all or nothing” mentality. The real truth is that in sports, there is so much more than winning.
The hard fact is that, in any sport, at any level, there will only be one championship team at the end of the season. No sport has two or three champions; in the end, only one team wins. What I have learned throughout my athletic career is that there is more than one way to achieve victory in competitive sports. I have been on both sides of teams—winning and losing. Honestly, it feels great to win, and I have been on championship teams. Still, I believe I learned more from losing than I ever did from winning. I believe my story is a true example of that. In my lacrosse career, I lost my final game in both high school and college, as I am sure many other athletes have. It is almost impossible to finish a career or season with a win because, inevitably, only one team wins. Yet, just because you ended the season with a loss doesn’t mean you didn’t accomplish victory. I lost my last high school lacrosse game, but I went on to play in college. This was a huge victory for me.
So many victories occur in sports everyday, but they seem to get overlooked because all we focus on is being that championship team. Do not get me wrong, I love to win and there is nothing wrong with winning or working hard to become a champion. What I am saying is that sometimes it is okay to lose; you can still be victorious. Why does any one athlete play a sport? Yes, more than anything they want to win, but the real reason they play is solely for the love of the game.
Look at Tiger Woods; he is by far the dominant athlete of this era. He defines the true drive to win, but you can tell by his passion on the course, that he truly loves the game. Also, I almost guarantee that if you asked him whether he learned more from winning the Tiger Slam or from the tournament that broke his consecutive win streak, he probably would have said the tournament that ended his streak. Yes, even great athletes like Tiger Woods lose at some point in their careers. You truly learn more from losing than you do winning. By knowing how to lose, you learn to win.
I have had many great coaches throughout my career, and I can vividly remember the life lessons they instilled in me. Many of the best coaches I had prepared me to be successful in my future. I credit Coach Reynolds for giving me the fight and heart to turn my life around. He was only my coach for a short time before his life was tragically taken but his legacy lives on in me. His “get it done” mentality saved my life and has allowed me to be here today to tell my story. No days go by for me that I don’t remember and learn from what he imprinted in my heart. He was not only a great coach, he was my greatest teacher. Coach to win, but teach your players the life lessons that will prepare them to succeed when that final roar of the crowd goes silent. The level at which you coach does not matter. You have the opportunity to change a player’s life for the better. Teach your players to win, allow them to fail, and lead them to victory off the field by the way you coach on the field. Just as Coach Reynolds was and is my mentor, you to can be some player’s greatest life teacher.
Patrick Bergstrom
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Swagger is Being YOU
Swagger
The word “swagger” is defined as walking or strutting with a defiant or insolent air, or to boast or brag noisily. This word has become somewhat of a phenomenon in the past year in hip hop culture, and can be heard all over the radio. Some popular phrases of the word consist of; “swagger of a college kid,” and “nobody has swagger like us.” I must say I have jumped on the “swagger” train and use the word on pretty much a daily basis. Whether it is on facebook, Twitter, or just talking with friends, I am constantly talking about living your life with “swagger.” You can find the word “swagger” pretty much anywhere-- Old Spice now has a Swagger Deodorant!
I do understand the meaning of the word, and that having a “swagger” can be considered a negative and rude trait. However, I see the word “swagger in a completely different light. The word “swagger” for me has become somewhat of an anthem for my recovery from anorexia nervosa. I use this word to describe pretty much how I face every day, and this so called SWAGGER I have, has driven my recovery. I am by no means an arrogant person, nor do I walk around boasting or bragging in an obnoxious manner. I do however live each day like it’s my last and this has become my own SWAGGER! The objective for recovery is to find what works for you, and to go with it. For me, this means living with a bit of vibrant confidence and facing each day with a smile on my face.
We live in a very imperfect world and at any second our lives can be flipped upside down. This is why I think living with a bit of edge or swagger can help when trying to overcome an eating disorder. I was once a very strong and fierce lacrosse player. Coaches described my performance and athletic drive using the word “swagger!” I played with a chip on my shoulder, and I never gave up. There were games where I was completely exhausted but I pushed forward carrying the team on my back. I was never an arrogant or cocky athlete; I just played with heart and will (swagger). This mentality helped me to defeat some of the toughest opponents.
So why am I writing about the word swagger? What is the point or message to this rambling nonsense about a word that could be considered street lingo? The point I am trying to make is simple. Somewhere along my journey through life I lost my “swagger” and that is when I began doubting myself-- which ultimately led to a four year life threatening battle with anorexia nervosa!
While spending over thirty days in a residential treatment program, my eating disorder was tracked back to my senior year of college. My senior year was a complete debacle. I was dating two girls, trying to balance lacrosse and school, not eating, and working out on a regular basis. I was doing anything I could to bring some sort of balance back into my life. My lacrosse coach had given up on me, and I sat the bench my senior year. I began both doubting and hating myself! In other words, my swagger was gone.
I did graduate on time, and desperately tried to move forward with my life. I won’t go into much detail but for the next four years I was in and out of relationships, drinking too much, bouncing from job to job, working out excessively and starving myself in a hopeless attempt to gain some sort of control back. I was pretty much killing myself! Lacrosse was my outlet and my way of expressing myself-- I played with swagger and never gave up. However, after an unsuccessful senior year on the playing field, I gave up on lacrosse and my swagger went flying out the window!
It wasn’t until being diagnosed with anorexia and given less than twelve months to live that I realized what I was missing. My eating disorder became my false identity, and it was just me and my ED-- I was oblivious to the world and had no desire to live. I went into treatment angry at the world, but came out thankful to be alive. I have spent the past year in recovery trying to figure out life and where I fit in. I have come to the conclusion that maybe I don’t fit in, and well I am completely okay with that. I spent the majority of my life trying to fit in and be what everyone else wanted me to be. Where did that get me? (Eating Disorder)
My Dad recently came up to me and said, “Patrick, you finally got your swagger back!” I was in shock at first because I really couldn’t believe my Dad used the word SWAGGER. After the initial shock and a bit of laughter, I began to reflect on my life and the meaning of the word “swagger.” For the greater part of my life I just followed the crowd, and did everything I could to be popular. I put all my effort into being something I wasn’t and eventually that caught up to me in the form of anorexia, substance abuse, and depression. The only time I was really myself was when I was playing lacrosse. With that said, this brings me back to the word swagger. I had a bounce in my step when I played lacrosse and I needed that in my life.
So to me, the word “swagger” simply means being ME! So when I use this word, I am not talking about conceit or EGO. I threw my ego out when I chose recovery and life. I am talking about living your life with confidence and joy. In the past year I have battled back from anorexia and have become a voice to those still suffering. During National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, I spoke at Lubbock Christian University to a crowd of over 500 college students. I was never a big fan of public speaking but with a bit of self-confidence, I was able to rise to the occasion and spread awareness and hope. I accomplished this because I am living my life with SWAGGER!
I will simply leave you with this. Life is an endless journey of peaks and valleys. When you are coming up on a peak, be humble, and when you find yourself in a valley, stay true to yourself and LIVE WITH SWAGGER!
Swagger is not following the crowd, its being a leader, its being YOU!
Oh, and one more thing-- I do wear Swagger Old Spice Deodorant!
Believe,
Patrick Bergstrom
The word “swagger” is defined as walking or strutting with a defiant or insolent air, or to boast or brag noisily. This word has become somewhat of a phenomenon in the past year in hip hop culture, and can be heard all over the radio. Some popular phrases of the word consist of; “swagger of a college kid,” and “nobody has swagger like us.” I must say I have jumped on the “swagger” train and use the word on pretty much a daily basis. Whether it is on facebook, Twitter, or just talking with friends, I am constantly talking about living your life with “swagger.” You can find the word “swagger” pretty much anywhere-- Old Spice now has a Swagger Deodorant!
I do understand the meaning of the word, and that having a “swagger” can be considered a negative and rude trait. However, I see the word “swagger in a completely different light. The word “swagger” for me has become somewhat of an anthem for my recovery from anorexia nervosa. I use this word to describe pretty much how I face every day, and this so called SWAGGER I have, has driven my recovery. I am by no means an arrogant person, nor do I walk around boasting or bragging in an obnoxious manner. I do however live each day like it’s my last and this has become my own SWAGGER! The objective for recovery is to find what works for you, and to go with it. For me, this means living with a bit of vibrant confidence and facing each day with a smile on my face.
We live in a very imperfect world and at any second our lives can be flipped upside down. This is why I think living with a bit of edge or swagger can help when trying to overcome an eating disorder. I was once a very strong and fierce lacrosse player. Coaches described my performance and athletic drive using the word “swagger!” I played with a chip on my shoulder, and I never gave up. There were games where I was completely exhausted but I pushed forward carrying the team on my back. I was never an arrogant or cocky athlete; I just played with heart and will (swagger). This mentality helped me to defeat some of the toughest opponents.
So why am I writing about the word swagger? What is the point or message to this rambling nonsense about a word that could be considered street lingo? The point I am trying to make is simple. Somewhere along my journey through life I lost my “swagger” and that is when I began doubting myself-- which ultimately led to a four year life threatening battle with anorexia nervosa!
While spending over thirty days in a residential treatment program, my eating disorder was tracked back to my senior year of college. My senior year was a complete debacle. I was dating two girls, trying to balance lacrosse and school, not eating, and working out on a regular basis. I was doing anything I could to bring some sort of balance back into my life. My lacrosse coach had given up on me, and I sat the bench my senior year. I began both doubting and hating myself! In other words, my swagger was gone.
I did graduate on time, and desperately tried to move forward with my life. I won’t go into much detail but for the next four years I was in and out of relationships, drinking too much, bouncing from job to job, working out excessively and starving myself in a hopeless attempt to gain some sort of control back. I was pretty much killing myself! Lacrosse was my outlet and my way of expressing myself-- I played with swagger and never gave up. However, after an unsuccessful senior year on the playing field, I gave up on lacrosse and my swagger went flying out the window!
It wasn’t until being diagnosed with anorexia and given less than twelve months to live that I realized what I was missing. My eating disorder became my false identity, and it was just me and my ED-- I was oblivious to the world and had no desire to live. I went into treatment angry at the world, but came out thankful to be alive. I have spent the past year in recovery trying to figure out life and where I fit in. I have come to the conclusion that maybe I don’t fit in, and well I am completely okay with that. I spent the majority of my life trying to fit in and be what everyone else wanted me to be. Where did that get me? (Eating Disorder)
My Dad recently came up to me and said, “Patrick, you finally got your swagger back!” I was in shock at first because I really couldn’t believe my Dad used the word SWAGGER. After the initial shock and a bit of laughter, I began to reflect on my life and the meaning of the word “swagger.” For the greater part of my life I just followed the crowd, and did everything I could to be popular. I put all my effort into being something I wasn’t and eventually that caught up to me in the form of anorexia, substance abuse, and depression. The only time I was really myself was when I was playing lacrosse. With that said, this brings me back to the word swagger. I had a bounce in my step when I played lacrosse and I needed that in my life.
So to me, the word “swagger” simply means being ME! So when I use this word, I am not talking about conceit or EGO. I threw my ego out when I chose recovery and life. I am talking about living your life with confidence and joy. In the past year I have battled back from anorexia and have become a voice to those still suffering. During National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, I spoke at Lubbock Christian University to a crowd of over 500 college students. I was never a big fan of public speaking but with a bit of self-confidence, I was able to rise to the occasion and spread awareness and hope. I accomplished this because I am living my life with SWAGGER!
I will simply leave you with this. Life is an endless journey of peaks and valleys. When you are coming up on a peak, be humble, and when you find yourself in a valley, stay true to yourself and LIVE WITH SWAGGER!
Swagger is not following the crowd, its being a leader, its being YOU!
Oh, and one more thing-- I do wear Swagger Old Spice Deodorant!
Believe,
Patrick Bergstrom
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Manna Scholarship Fund
In response to the email below- I Chose To Live, LLC is donating 100% of all the bracelet proceeds to the Manna Scholarship fund which helps those who can't afford eating disorder treatment. There are so many who need and deserve treatment. Please help me by purchasing even just one bracelet. The donations are being matched by a private sponsor if they meet the goal of $30,000. We can make a difference. Thank you so much, this means the world to me as I was able to afford treatment- which in turn changed my life. Lets take a stand and save a life!
You can purchase a bracelet at http://www.ichosetolive.com/ or make a donation to Manna at http://www.mannafund.org/
Blessings and Hope,
Patrick Bergstrom
Email from Manna-
MSF is working on a project to help raise awareness, understanding, and funding for those who are seriously in need of intensive treatment for eating disorders. For example, an email we received today stated:
"I had a relapse this week and it only keeps getting worse. I am with high levels of potassium in my blood, my kidneys are working slow, my heart beat is really irregular... I am so tired that i can't even fix myself a sandwich at this point... But the worst pain is being alone... My dietitian, therapist and family doctor all have called me in today to tell me there has got to be a way for me to go in-patient... I have struggled with this for over 2 years and i have "pushed" as far as i could but now my heart is failing and i am so scared! I pray that someone will listen to me- to my cry for help...I don't want this disease to take all i have left away from me... So please, if there is any hope and way you could help me i cry for it in Jesus name... Is there any posibility for me to get some scholarship funds in this emergency??"
This is just one example of the desperation and dire need of indiviudals who need intensive treatment. We receive letters from men and women from all over the nation who are struggling with life-threatening eating disorders. Our current campaign is aimed at raising up to $30,000 so that we will receive a matching donation from a private donor. We need more funding to put individuals like this one in the hospital ASAP.
Please make your tax-deductible (at least for now!) donations at http://www.mannafund.org/ TODAY so that we can help people get the treatment they need!
Thank you for your support!Genie and the MSF Board of Directors.
Thank you for your support!Genie and the MSF Board of Directors.
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