The I Chose To Live Blog is Back

Hey I Chose To Live Friends --

I know this blog has gone inactive for quite some time but my plan is to bring it back in full Swagger!! My life has been crazy and I have been on an amazing journey through recovery and I just feel led to really make this an active part of the I Chose To Live Recovery Movement!!  I took quite a few months off focusing on my personal recovery and just trying to figure out what God was calling me to do. I was in Green Bay, WI for awhile dating a nice girl and helping with a Church Plant but it just wasn't the place or right situation for me.  I learned so much up in Wisconsin and really had a chance to strengthen my recovery and my walk with Christ.  For so many years I was out searching for something and looking to find out who I really was. However, I have come to realize that one doesn't find out who they are but they create themselves. No longer am I chasing after what others want me to be!! Instead, I am living my life for God and using my recovery to reach out to help others.  So look for me to be rocking out on this blog with interesting posts and sharing my life with you in the hopes that it will help lead others into recovery!! With that said, I am back and here to stay!!!

Nothing can or will stop me from becoming the person God wants me to be!! Not an Eating Disorder, not alcohol, not anything the Devil can throw in my path. I am now rocking the full armor of Christ!!  My life right now is far from perfect and well its really not all that exciting but I am so cool with that. I am healthy, happy and alive!!  My fire has been set off and I am charging and taking back my life one day at a time!  One day at a time!!  So look out Eating Disorders because I am out to destroy you!! Stay tuned for some creative and exciting new posts coming soon!!

God Bless,

Patty

Recovery Wall-- Express Yourself

Dear I Chose To Live Friends--


We are creating a new page on the ICTL website (http://www.ichosetolive.com) entitled “The Recovery Wall.”

The purpose of this is to post positive messages for recovery, strength and hope. You can share your favorite songs, quotes, thoughts and events that have occurred in your recovery journey. Maybe you have a favorite saying or something that has helped push you through recovery. We will take all post from this page on facebook and will be adding them to the website and we will use only your initials for privacy issues. (unless you would like your name posted)

Please post your inspiration and wisdom to the I Chose To Live Facebook page at

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Hagerstown-MD/I-Chose-To-Live/128634537023?v=app_2373072738#/topic.php?uid=128634537023&topic=12465

The goal is to make this movement more about your experiences and what has helped motivate your through recovery. We believe that being a part of something and carrying on the message of hope is what recovery is all about. If you have art work, photos or anything you can think of that you would like to share, please email Patrick at patrickb@ichosetolive.com  Also, if you have suggestions on how to better the website, please post them as well.

Finally, we are seeking inspiration pieces of writing for the website as well. You can visit this link to see the various things I have shared in my journey to recover.

http://www.ichosetolive.com/inspiration.aspx

Thank you for being a part of The I Chose To Live Recovery Movement and we look forward to your thoughts and inspiration words.



Thanks,

Team ICTL

First Night in Treatment at Canopy Cove

Eating Disorder Rears its Ugly Face:

--These are the exact words taken from my journal during my stay in treatment for anorexia.

3/28/2008

“I feel so alone, and I just want to run away….But where will I go, and to what?? The first day at treatment was a complete shock, and I feel like this isn’t the right place for me!! Should I stay or should I go?? Am I thinking with a clear mind or is this my eating disorder affecting my judgment? Can I even make a rational decision at this point?

I can’t seem to make sense of any of this…. If this was a lacrosse game, I would know exactly what to do. I used to carry teams on my back. I was fearless and at times, unstoppable!! Why can’t I just bust out a quick “Patty Dive” and stick the ball in the back of the net. Apparently one quick move to the goal is not going to beat this monstrous Eating Disorder. This is one opponent I can’t beat or fight on my own. I tried for 4-years to do this, to fight this demon within, and I just couldn’t do it. I need real help and support. This needs to be a total team effort where I must use every and any resource available. One day at a time Patty, one day at a time!!
The time for me to sneak across the crease and ping the corner will come, I just need to be patient. Mind over Matter!!"

Lessons Learned from 1st Day—

• I need to be 100% committed to recovery
• I can’t do this alone
• Don’t let your guard down
• Don’t fail backwards, only fail forward—meaning I need to learn from my mistakes and become an achiever
• This test will only make me stronger
• This is the hardest battle I will ever face-- never give up and stay the course
• Be open about what you’re feeling and let others in

BELIEVE!!!!

(End Entry)

Reflection (Present)-

Before reflecting upon what I wrote in my journal, I must first tell you about the day. Wow, this day was so crazy and intense. When I got to the grounds of Canopy Cove, I was a complete mess (All ED). I was angry and not very optimistic. The first thing I saw was a group of girls and I was like….”yeah I am not that thin, I am not that sick.” Wow, who was I fooling? I came into treatment at my lowest weight, I was pale, my hair was thinning out, and I couldn’t keep any food in my system. I was sick and needed to be there. That was just my ED feeding me a bunch of lies. At that point in my life, I couldn’t even see how bad and unhealthy I looked. Looking back at pictures now, I see it and it is such a blessing to be in recovery and healthy!!!

So when I got there, I wanted to run… In my exact words when I called my Dad, “get me the hell out of this place, it’s not for me. I am a strong athlete and they want me to talk about feelings and play with horses and do art.” This is all true, in treatment you do all kinds of creative stuff to get you to understand and move away from your ED behaviors and find new and healthy coping skills.

So I fought with the entire staff, refused to go grocery shopping and just ignored everyone the rest of the day. Yikes, talk about a messy first day. Eating Disorders are like that-- messy and unpredictable. Somehow they got me to stay the weekend. Thank God, because staying at Canopy Cove saved my life!!!

Reflecting on my journal, I can now see how far gone I was and disconnected from myself-- I was 100% Eating Disorder!! I was angry and just miserable. I look back on that day and laugh. Later on in treatment, we actually joked about that day. ED’s are not pretty, and they are very destructive. I was a lost soul, lost in my anorexia and pretty much had destroyed everything positive in my life. So this was a bad day for me, but it was a learning experience. It really opened my eyes to how much help I really needed. If you are struggling, know that you are not alone, and please reach out for help!!!

I also liked the fact that in my journal entry, I compared my ED fight to playing lacrosse. At that moment in treatment, I really knew nothing about Anorexia, so I started to see my battle as something I could relate too. (Lacrosse) Months after treatment, I wrote about my team approach to recovery and you can read that article on the I Chose To Live website at this link-- http://www.ichosetolive.com/recovery.aspx

Treatment is definitely a rollercoaster ride, but it’s worth it. I almost walked away on the first day, but I kept fighting, even when my ED was telling me to run. If I would have left that day, I would not be alive today!!! Your ED is not the answer to life or control, and it will quickly and painfully take everything from you. My hopes are that you will continue with me on this journey as I go back through my journal and reflect on my treatment experience. Learn from my experiences,and believe me when I say, "recovery is possible!!"

Until the next post, stay strong, never give up, and remember—there will never be another you and you’re a beautiful gift to this world.

I Chose To Live,

Patrick Bergstrom

Courage

“Courage”
I Chose To Live!

The popular female artist, Superchick has a song entitled, “Courage” where she gracefully writes about her battle to overcome an eating disorder. I was first introduced to this song in the summer of 2008 by my younger sister, shortly after returning from a thirty day stay at a residential eating disorder treatment center in Florida. This is not the type of music a former men’s college lacrosse player would be listening to, but in March of that year, my life changed forever.

This song completely described the life I was living and how I was feeling on the inside. This verse particularly hits home for me.

"You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow”

On March 19, 2008, I found my life spiraling out of control and I had no idea what was wrong with me. My body was completely rejecting food, my hair was falling out and my skin was puffy and pale. I had no energy left; my weight was at an all time low. I could barely get out of bed. I found myself in tears crying out; “I am dying…I need help but I don’t know what to do.” To this day, I don’t know why I cried out for help but it saved my life. I was once told by my Dad that, “Patrick, you are one moment away from significant and great change-- life is just like that.” I had no idea that moment in my life would be when I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa, and given less than twelve months to live.

I didn’t want to die, I was way too young, and I had so many goals and aspirations to accomplish. I found myself asking the question you may be pondering in your head at this very moment. How does a muscular and successful college twenty-two year old lacrosse player find himself in the life threatening grips of an eating disorder? I previously mentioned the lyrics to a song and I believe within these simple words, lies the answer to my four year struggle with an eating disorder.

-- “These secrets are walls that keep us alone.”

For the majority of my existence, I was known only by my academic and athletic achievements. I was raised in the foothills of Western Maryland where I was trained to be a fierce lacrosse player. Lacrosse was everything to me, and nothing else really mattered. I had a very typical childhood and was the middle child of two loving and caring parents. As far back as my memory serves me, I was on the mission to be “perfect” in all aspects of my life. I wanted to be the best, finishing second was not an option. I was the ultimate athlete, student and “perfectionist.” However, what I didn’t know at the time was that nothing can or will ever be perfect. To my closest friends and family, I was known as a very bright, athletic and happy high school student. However, what they didn’t know was that I was secretly struggling with body image issues and the extreme fear of failure. Nobody ever knew anything was wrong because I was putting on a huge front-- I was building walls that kept me shielded from the world and the truth. I used my athletic prowess and success on the lacrosse field to hide my inner pain and suffering. My life looked quite ideal on the outside and I seemingly coasted through my high school years. I set numerous records in lacrosse, football, and weightlifting during my four years of school, and I always had the “popular’ girlfriend. I used these superficial achievements and model relationships to create a false and unhealthy identity. Nothing could touch me, and I made myself believe that I was invincible. I even went so far as to get a tattoo of the Superman crest on my calf with intersecting lacrosse sticks.

This Superman type of mentality carried me through the first twenty-one years of my life, but eventually the walls I had falsely built, came tumbling down in the form of depression, substance abuse, and Anorexia Nervosa. The word “failure” was not a part of my life nor did I believe that I would ever fail in anything. With this unrealistic type of thinking, I was setting myself up like a ticking time bomb-- inevitably things would explode all around me!

College is usually described as the best years of one’s life but mine was an absolute disaster. In my four years of college; I went to two colleges, had five lacrosse coaches, lost one coach to a fatal surfing accident, suffered both back, head and knee injuries, sat the bench my senior year, and drank excessively to numb the pain. I had no real identity, and when faced with adversity, I crumbled under pressure and used eating as a way of trying to bring control back into my chaotic life.

Somehow I managed to persevere through college and graduated in 2005 with a degree in Business Administration with a concentration in marketing. Even though I was Academic All-Conference my junior and senior year, I was very unsatisfied with my college lacrosse career. I spent my final game with tears in my eyes watching my team lose from the bench. I loved lacrosse and it was my life but this single event left a sour taste in my mouth and I gave up on the sport. This simple act of putting my lacrosse stick down would prove to be one of the biggest mistakes of my life. For me, lacrosse was my outlet and my way of dealing with life’s many obstacles-- without it, I was left vulnerable and unprotected.

I thought graduating college would give me the spark I needed to turn things around. However, I wasn’t addressing the serious issues that had been eating at me for years. I was depressed, disappointed and had horrible self-esteem. Personal achievement is not the answer to solving problems, but merely a way of fooling yourself into thinking that everything is okay. Again, I was using walls to hide my true feelings of pain, shame, and self-hatred. For the next 3 ½ years I would wage a secret war on both my mind and body. (Anorexia) I starved myself, worked out more, and used alcohol to ease the pain. I was slowly destroying myself but nobody seemed to notice. My illness began to take a toll on my life at work and with my friends and family. I was bouncing from job to job, and couldn’t find any profession I enjoyed. I was isolating myself from my family. I was also in and out of a relationship with my college girlfriend.

In 2006, after losing my girlfriend for the second time and losing yet another job, I decided to move home and get help. I thought to myself-- I think I have an eating disorder! However, I was told by many, that “guys don’t have eating disorders” and I listened. My problem was classified as depression and substance abuse. I went into therapy and I felt much better. I was cured, right? Wrong! Again, this was just another attempt to avoid my real problem, an eating disorder.

Feeling rejuvenated from therapy, I raced back out on my own chasing “perfection.” I got my girlfriend back, found a great job, and seven months later I was engaged. I spent much of 2007 working and planning the wedding. On the outside I looked happier than ever, but I was suffering emotionally on the inside. I kept this front up until March of 2008 and my body just couldn’t take it anymore. I needed an intervention of sort and got just that. The hardest thing for me to do was ask for help but it was the best decision I ever made.

It was one month prior to my wedding day, and I was sitting in a therapy session with my family and fiancés’ family. I was again at a crucial moment in my life. I was dying from anorexia and I needed to go into treatment. At the conclusion of the family session that day, I chose to go into treatment and my fiancé’ chose to walk away. I was sick and she just couldn’t handle it. This was the hardest day of my life but something miraculous would happen the next morning. It was Easter Sunday and my brother and sister were home. That morning they got me to go outside and throw the lacrosse ball around for the first time in four years-- at this moment I knew there was hope!

Riding on pure adrenalin, I spent two straight weeks researching treatment. It was a difficult process because at this time, there weren’t many programs that took men. I finally found a center that met my needs and I was on a plane two days later. I spent thirty days separating myself from my eating disorder. I was taught to see my ED as a separate person and used various types of therapy to uncover my true identity. The shocking thing that I learned was that eating disorders aren’t about food—it’s about trauma, feelings, emotions, low self-esteem, and fears.

I used my obsession for perfection to mask my pain and shame but treatment addressed this hurt and allowed me to see the real me. I found myself playing with horses, doing yoga, singing, and using art therapy to destroy the many walls I had built. Treatment gave me the tools I needed to start a successful recovery and I haven’t looked back since. When I left treatment, “I Chose To Live!”

Treatment gave me an amazing foundation into my recovery and rebuilding my life. It has been more than a year since doctors told me I had less than twelve months to live. I am now a completely different and healthy person. My road to recovery hasn’t been perfect but nothing ever is. I have learned to embrace adversity and to learn from my mistakes. If you fall down and you probably will, get back up and keep pushing forward. Reach out and ask for help if you feel your slipping. Use every possible resource for support. I still see a therapist, and attend support groups.

This past year has been an unbelievable ride and blessing. I now love the life I live and love the real me. I laugh, and I smile! I was able to spend my twenty sixth birthday with my family and friends, and I just recently became an Uncle. When I held this miraculous gift of life in my arms-- I smiled and realized how incredibly beautiful and precious life is. Yes, I lost four years of my life to an eating disorder and yes I hit an extreme bottom, but I am alive today living free from the chains of anorexia. There is hope and recovery is possible!

I am now an Eating Disorder Speaker and Writer. I also run my own support group and I am a Resource Person for NEDA. I have them to thank for truly sparking my recovery and interest in reaching out to help others. NEDA was kind enough to give me a scholarship to their 2008 Conference and it was at that moment where I found my true calling. I realized that there are still so many suffering and that maybe I could to something to help others. I founded, I Chose To Live, LLC (ED outreach based upon using athletic principles in recovery), and now speak openly about my battle and recovery from an eating disorder. In the past year I have traveled all over the country speaking at conferences and on college campuses. I was once a driven superior athlete, now I am a passionate and dedicated Eating Disorder Activist. Where I once used my lacrosse stick to score goals and win games, I now use my writing and voice to help lead others into recovery.

Eating disorders don’t discriminate and neither does recovery-- there is HOPE and you’re never alone in this. If you are suffering from an ED, please reach out and get help! To read my full story and learn more about my outreach, please visit www.ichosetolive.com

--“Together we can make it through somehow”

I Chose To Live and Choose To Care!
Patrick Bergstrom
Mission- Eliminate Eating Disorders!
patrickb@ichosetolive.com

Stories of Hope- National Eating Disorder Assoication

Swagger is Being YOU

Swagger

The word “swagger” is defined as walking or strutting with a defiant or insolent air, or to boast or brag noisily. This word has become somewhat of a phenomenon in the past year in hip hop culture, and can be heard all over the radio. Some popular phrases of the word consist of; “swagger of a college kid,” and “nobody has swagger like us.” I must say I have jumped on the “swagger” train and use the word on pretty much a daily basis. Whether it is on facebook, Twitter, or just talking with friends, I am constantly talking about living your life with “swagger.” You can find the word “swagger” pretty much anywhere-- Old Spice now has a Swagger Deodorant!

I do understand the meaning of the word, and that having a “swagger” can be considered a negative and rude trait. However, I see the word “swagger in a completely different light. The word “swagger” for me has become somewhat of an anthem for my recovery from anorexia nervosa. I use this word to describe pretty much how I face every day, and this so called SWAGGER I have, has driven my recovery. I am by no means an arrogant person, nor do I walk around boasting or bragging in an obnoxious manner. I do however live each day like it’s my last and this has become my own SWAGGER! The objective for recovery is to find what works for you, and to go with it. For me, this means living with a bit of vibrant confidence and facing each day with a smile on my face.

We live in a very imperfect world and at any second our lives can be flipped upside down. This is why I think living with a bit of edge or swagger can help when trying to overcome an eating disorder. I was once a very strong and fierce lacrosse player. Coaches described my performance and athletic drive using the word “swagger!” I played with a chip on my shoulder, and I never gave up. There were games where I was completely exhausted but I pushed forward carrying the team on my back. I was never an arrogant or cocky athlete; I just played with heart and will (swagger). This mentality helped me to defeat some of the toughest opponents.

So why am I writing about the word swagger? What is the point or message to this rambling nonsense about a word that could be considered street lingo? The point I am trying to make is simple. Somewhere along my journey through life I lost my “swagger” and that is when I began doubting myself-- which ultimately led to a four year life threatening battle with anorexia nervosa!

While spending over thirty days in a residential treatment program, my eating disorder was tracked back to my senior year of college. My senior year was a complete debacle. I was dating two girls, trying to balance lacrosse and school, not eating, and working out on a regular basis. I was doing anything I could to bring some sort of balance back into my life. My lacrosse coach had given up on me, and I sat the bench my senior year. I began both doubting and hating myself! In other words, my swagger was gone.

I did graduate on time, and desperately tried to move forward with my life. I won’t go into much detail but for the next four years I was in and out of relationships, drinking too much, bouncing from job to job, working out excessively and starving myself in a hopeless attempt to gain some sort of control back. I was pretty much killing myself! Lacrosse was my outlet and my way of expressing myself-- I played with swagger and never gave up. However, after an unsuccessful senior year on the playing field, I gave up on lacrosse and my swagger went flying out the window!

It wasn’t until being diagnosed with anorexia and given less than twelve months to live that I realized what I was missing. My eating disorder became my false identity, and it was just me and my ED-- I was oblivious to the world and had no desire to live. I went into treatment angry at the world, but came out thankful to be alive. I have spent the past year in recovery trying to figure out life and where I fit in. I have come to the conclusion that maybe I don’t fit in, and well I am completely okay with that. I spent the majority of my life trying to fit in and be what everyone else wanted me to be. Where did that get me? (Eating Disorder)

My Dad recently came up to me and said, “Patrick, you finally got your swagger back!” I was in shock at first because I really couldn’t believe my Dad used the word SWAGGER. After the initial shock and a bit of laughter, I began to reflect on my life and the meaning of the word “swagger.” For the greater part of my life I just followed the crowd, and did everything I could to be popular. I put all my effort into being something I wasn’t and eventually that caught up to me in the form of anorexia, substance abuse, and depression. The only time I was really myself was when I was playing lacrosse. With that said, this brings me back to the word swagger. I had a bounce in my step when I played lacrosse and I needed that in my life.

So to me, the word “swagger” simply means being ME! So when I use this word, I am not talking about conceit or EGO. I threw my ego out when I chose recovery and life. I am talking about living your life with confidence and joy. In the past year I have battled back from anorexia and have become a voice to those still suffering. During National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, I spoke at Lubbock Christian University to a crowd of over 500 college students. I was never a big fan of public speaking but with a bit of self-confidence, I was able to rise to the occasion and spread awareness and hope. I accomplished this because I am living my life with SWAGGER!

I will simply leave you with this. Life is an endless journey of peaks and valleys. When you are coming up on a peak, be humble, and when you find yourself in a valley, stay true to yourself and LIVE WITH SWAGGER!

Swagger is not following the crowd, its being a leader, its being YOU!
Oh, and one more thing-- I do wear Swagger Old Spice Deodorant!
Believe,
Patrick Bergstrom

Manna Scholarship Fund

In response to the email below- I Chose To Live, LLC is donating 100% of all the bracelet proceeds to the Manna Scholarship fund which helps those who can't afford eating disorder treatment. There are so many who need and deserve treatment. Please help me by purchasing even just one bracelet. The donations are being matched by a private sponsor if they meet the goal of $30,000. We can make a difference. Thank you so much, this means the world to me as I was able to afford treatment- which in turn changed my life. Lets take a stand and save a life!

You can purchase a bracelet at http://www.ichosetolive.com/ or make a donation to Manna at http://www.mannafund.org/

Blessings and Hope,

Patrick Bergstrom

Email from Manna-

MSF is working on a project to help raise awareness, understanding, and funding for those who are seriously in need of intensive treatment for eating disorders. For example, an email we received today stated:

"I had a relapse this week and it only keeps getting worse. I am with high levels of potassium in my blood, my kidneys are working slow, my heart beat is really irregular... I am so tired that i can't even fix myself a sandwich at this point... But the worst pain is being alone... My dietitian, therapist and family doctor all have called me in today to tell me there has got to be a way for me to go in-patient... I have struggled with this for over 2 years and i have "pushed" as far as i could but now my heart is failing and i am so scared! I pray that someone will listen to me- to my cry for help...I don't want this disease to take all i have left away from me... So please, if there is any hope and way you could help me i cry for it in Jesus name... Is there any posibility for me to get some scholarship funds in this emergency??"

This is just one example of the desperation and dire need of indiviudals who need intensive treatment. We receive letters from men and women from all over the nation who are struggling with life-threatening eating disorders. Our current campaign is aimed at raising up to $30,000 so that we will receive a matching donation from a private donor. We need more funding to put individuals like this one in the hospital ASAP.

Please make your tax-deductible (at least for now!) donations at http://www.mannafund.org/ TODAY so that we can help people get the treatment they need!
Thank you for your support!Genie and the MSF Board of Directors.